


Sunshine To Rain

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Glee
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 15:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1784689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After ending the engagement and breaking up with Blaine, Kurt felt he needed closure one particular other person in his life... Adam Crawford.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunshine To Rain

For the past few months, Kurt had told himself over and over that closure was overrated. 

Well, he had tried to convince himself of it, but he hadn’t done a very good job.  But part of the problem was that Kurt hadn’t had his head on straight in a very long time, and he’d needed time… a chance… to fix that part of the problem before closure could even be considered an option. 

He wasn’t even sure Adam even needed closure… not like Kurt did. 

Now that Blaine wasn’t in his life anymore, the engagement canceled, and the aftermath dealt with, Kurt had moved on with his life.  Blaine was living elsewhere, and he’d kept Sam in the less-than-friendly pseudo-divorce.  Kurt had kept Rachel, because Kurt would always have Rachel.  It depended on the day of the week as to whether Kurt considered that a good thing or a bad thing.  And since Sam and Mercedes weren’t together anymore, it had been pretty easy for Mercedes to choose Kurt.  But honestly, he’d never worried about losing Mercedes to Blaine.  He and Mercedes, while not as close as they used to be, were becoming more and more like the pair of friends they used to be back when they first met.  Artie had moved in with Blaine and Sam, and the three of them barely contacted Kurt, Rachel, or Mercedes anymore, and that’s the way Kurt wanted it.  The fall out had lasted for a few weeks, resulting in a shattered pile of promises and dreams that Kurt had finally realized didn’t even fit him anymore. 

After everything, he’d known one thing to be true. 

He’d had to cut ties in order to be free, and he would not be made to feel guilty about it.

Kurt had finally filled his father in on all the problems that had occurred between Kurt and Blaine, and Burt Hummel had not taken it well.  But this time, he’d been angry with Blaine, and the relief that had coursed through Kurt when he’d realized that his father was choosing his side had been alarming.  Alarming because he shouldn’t have had to _worry_ about whether his father would choose him or Blaine.  It should have been an automatic conclusion, and the fact that Kurt had worried about it… _no, obsessed about it_ … had finally broken the dam between them.  And everything had poured out of Kurt.  He wasn’t proud of how completely he’d broken down, but he was proud now.

Because he’d fixed himself. 

Burt had argued with him at the time that there was nothing wrong with Kurt that needed fixing in the first place, but Kurt had known that wasn’t true. 

He’d needed to find himself again.  The Kurt that knew what he wanted and knew what he didn’t, and the Kurt that went for his goals without apology and without hesitation.  That Kurt had been lost somewhere… _no, buried_ … inside his old relationship, and Kurt had desperately needed to get him back.

And now he had him back. 

Kurt was single, and while he might not plan to be that way forever, it was comfortable for now. 

Even though One Three Hill wasn’t playing together anymore, he was still in contact with Elliott and Dani.  Elliott had been supportive of him, and he’d said some things that led Kurt to believe that Elliott had some knowledge about Blaine that Kurt was unaware of, knowledge that seemed to bother him, if his relief about Kurt’s news was anything to go by. 

Kurt hadn’t asked for details, because he didn’t need them anymore. 

He was different now.  In a different place, and at times, a different world. 

And he just really didn’t want to know about, or talk about, Blaine anymore. 

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Elliott asked as Kurt stared at himself in the mirror. 

He could see Elliott’s reflection in surface of the glass, and he was looking concerned.  Not worried or even upset… but concerned, and ‘’concerned’’ always caused an adorable little brow thing to happen on his face.  Elliott never realized it most of the time, but Kurt found it to be endearing because he could always tell when Elliott was worried about something _for_ Kurt instead of for himself.

Kurt turned to him and smiled. 

He would always be grateful for the existence of Elliott Gilbert, a man he was sure he’d dislike the moment he had laid eyes on him at their band auditions.  If that Kurt had known then how great a friend Elliott would turn out to be, he’d have treated him differently in the beginning.  But as it was, Elliott hadn’t given up on him, and now they were here. 

At this moment.  A moment that Kurt wouldn’t trade for just about anything in the world.

Kurt adjusted his shirt and tucked the bottom back in where it had come free during his pacing. 

“I don’t want to hurt him anymore.  And I don’t want to get hurt anymore.  So no, I’m not sure.  But then again, I am.”

Elliott laughed softly, “Maybe you should have your thoughts organized before you get there.”

Kurt stuck his tongue out halfheartedly and bent to find his shoes. 

“Very funny.  I mean that I really need Adam to know some things.  Things that were in our way that he never knew about when we were trying to be… something.  Hurdles that, in my mind, were there.  But he didn’t even know they existed, so how could even be prepared to jump them?  Sometimes I keep too much in, and it backfires on me.  And I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I want to be able to tell people things and not immediately assume they’ll mock me or judge me for them.”

Elliott stood and walked over to him, ‘’I get that.  I really do.  I just feel like if I encourage you in this and it backfires on you, you’ll get hurt again.”

Kurt shrugged and grabbed Elliott’s hand, “Maybe I will.  And maybe if I do, I’ll deserve it.  I probably will deserve whatever he has to say.  And that’s okay.  Maybe I need to hear those things just as much as I need Adam to hear what I have to say.”

 

In his infinite wisdom, or maybe lack thereof, Kurt had asked to meet with Adam in public.  At this little coffee shop they’d gone to a couple of times during their ‘thing.’  He didn’t want to make Adam uncomfortable, but he also didn’t want to be uncomfortable trying to talk to Adam at his apartment.  This was a good compromise, or at least Kurt hoped it would be. 

Kurt stopped at the window and looked inside, to find Adam sitting at their old table.  Well, it wasn’t exactly their table.  It was Adam’s.  He’d just agreed to share it with Kurt for a short time, and Kurt couldn’t help but feel like he’d wrecked that along with everything else he’d ruined with Adam. 

Adam was sipping tea, because it was tea and Adam preferred it to coffee.  It was after all, Adam, he was talking about here. 




He was looking down at the table, his beanie beside him, and one hand was folded over his cup to keep the light puff of steam from escaping…

And god, Kurt had missed him. 

But Kurt didn’t have a right to miss him, even though he doubted that Adam would remind him of that.  Adam was too kind and polite for that.  No, the worst Adam had ever done to him was to ask Kurt to leave The Apples for his own self-preservation.  And Kurt didn’t blame him for that one bit. 

If he’d been in Adam’s place, and Adam had returned to an ex who had been nothing but problems for him, Kurt probably wouldn’t have wanted to see Adam either. 

Kurt took a deep breath and walked to the door, not bothering to feign confidence because there was no point to that.  This was about being honest with Adam, and maybe getting a chance with him. 

Oh, who was Kurt kidding?  He’d already burnt that bridge.

This was about some selfish and misguided need for closure, and Kurt was probably making things a million times worse for Adam by just asking him to meet here. 

And Adam looked up, as if he could hear Kurt’s thoughts, and the soft smile on his face made that flip in his stomach come back.  One he hadn’t felt since the last time Adam had smiled at him. 

He was so screwed. 

“Hi,” Kurt said as he approached the table. 

“Hello, Kurt,” Adam replied in that soft accent, and the pronunciation of his name brought Kurt memories that were fleeting, but good. 

 _Adam joking with him and quoting Downton Abbey while making cookies_. 

 _Adam telling Kurt that he was good, so good, and never letting Kurt brush those compliments away_. 

 _Adam talking to him about finding their own movie and making new memories_. 

And Kurt… 

Couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t bring all that back to Adam and then just walk away from him again.  It wasn’t fair to him.  It wasn’t fair to Adam.    

“I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have asked you for this,” Kurt said softly.  “It was selfish.”

“Selfish isn’t a word I associate with you, actually,” Adam said before taking another sip of his tea.    

Kurt grimaced before standing, ‘’Maybe you should.  I’m going to grab a coffee before we start whatever this is.  I think I’m going to need it.”

It took much longer than Kurt was comfortable with to get his drink, but then he was back at the table and watching Adam’s face and his smile, and the overwhelming feeling of guilt hit him again. 

“Stop,” Adam chided. 

“Stop what?”

“You’re doing it again. Ruminating.”

Kurt took a fortifying gulp of his latte, and then put the cup down quietly. 

“I’m sorry.”

“For thinking too much?” Adam smiled wryly, and the sight of Adam’s smile being less than its usual brightness pained him. 

Because he’d done that. 

Well maybe not all of it, because to think that would be placing way too much importance on his own existence.  But Kurt may have played a significant part of making Adam sad, and that was disheartening to him. 

“No.  For everything.  For leaving things the way I did.  For hurting you.  All of it.”

And there. 

It was out of his mouth. 

‘’Are you happy?” Adam asked softly.  “Truly happy?”

And Kurt thought about it. 

He was content to be alone right now, and he was settled and no longer uncomfortable with most of the parts of his life. 

But was he happy?

Had he ever been truly happy?  In a way that wasn’t contingent on someone else’s happiness?

“I think so,” Kurt replied. 

“I’m glad.  So am I.”

“Good,” Kurt rubbed his hands together out of nerves rather than any cold settling into his fingers, and then he wrapped both hands around his cup.  “This isn’t what I came here to tell you, but Blaine and I aren’t together anymore.”

“I figured,” Adam replied with a look Kurt couldn’t even begin to interpret. 

“Why did you figure?”

“Because… you know what?  Nevermind.  It’s not important.”

“Adam.  Please.”

“Because you’re here.  _You_ called _me_.  You needed to talk to me about something.  The last time we spoke all I heard from you was about how you were going to be with Blaine again.  You are the one who said that being friends would make Blaine uncomfortable because of our history.  And you agreed that leaving The Apples was the best thing for both of us.  And now?  You’re here?  You needed me here?  So either it’s about Blaine or it’s about not being with Blaine.  So what it is that you want from me?”  Adam’s voice was controlled, but he was clearly trying very hard to not raise his voice to Kurt.

Kurt had never seen Adam truly angry before, and while it was only logical that Adam would get angry at times, he had just never even imagined it would be possible.  Adam had always seemed like a ball of sunshine, so full of positive emotions.  Kurt was always so full of contradictions and unhappiness… a veritable rainstorm in comparison to Adam’s sunshine. 

And now Kurt had caused the sunshine to become rain. 

“I just.  I’m sorry.  That’s all I seem to be saying right now,” Kurt glanced around and a few people had been looking at Adam during his speech. 

Adam looked admonished at his slight outburst and smiled in apology to the woman at the next table, and Kurt just… had to get out of there. 

He had to.  “Can we go for a walk?  Get some air?  Get away from prying eyes maybe?”

“Sure,” Adam stood and grabbed his cup before tossing it into the nearest trash can. 

The fresh air outside didn’t help with the tension.  They used to walk together like they were comfortable in each other’s presence, but that was gone between them.  Now their movements were stilted and awkward, but at least Kurt could talk to him without actually looking at Adam.

Maybe that would help.  He wasn’t sure. 

“There are a lot of things about me that you think you know, but you really don’t,” Kurt said softly as he hugged his arms tightly while he walked. 

Adam strolled quietly beside him for a few moments.  “Like what?”

“In order to know what went wrong with us, I need to let you know what went wrong with me.  That means mentioning him sometimes.  Is that okay?”

Kurt heard Adam’s deep breath before the words, “Yeah, okay.  That’s fine.”

“You know that my self-esteem has always been a problem.  It’s something you saw in me right from the beginning.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s not just about Blaine though.  He was a part of it.  A big part of it.  But it didn’t start with him.”

Kurt continued. 

He talked about his worry about his father’s acceptance, and how easily his father had accepted Finn and Blaine.  He talked about Finn, and the development of their relationship before Finn’s death, and Adam seemed surprised to hear that Kurt still considered Finn his first love, no matter how long his relationship with Blaine had been.  Adam remembered Finn, but not much about him because the two rarely interacted.  Kurt talked about how his relationship with David Karofsky had gone, and how much he’d tried to fit in at Dalton. 

He talked about how he had never felt good enough for anyone. 

And how Blaine had liked that about him… had basically admitted to liking that about him. 

And at that, Adam seemed angry again, but he stayed silent. 

“There were so many obstacles to you and me that I never let you know were there,” Kurt finished.  ‘’And I’m sorry for that.  But I had to feel good enough about me in order to break free of that.”

“You are good enough.  You’re more than good enough,” Adam stopped him in the street and turned towards him. 

“Intellectually, believe me… I know that.  But emotionally, I wasn’t there yet.  It felt good to hear those things you would say about me, but I didn’t believe them to be true.  I used to.  I believed a lot of things about myself a few years ago.  But along the way, life just kind of stuffed those good things about me back into the closet.’’

Adam graced him with an amused smile. 

“Not in the closet literally, Adam,” Kurt rolled his eyes. 

Adam held out his hand and tangled their fingers together. 

“I wish I could stay mad at you,” he whispered.

“No, you don’t.  That’s not you.  I almost wish that you could too.  But I’ve resolved to stop putting myself second in my life from now on.  I am really, really sorry I hurt you, and I’m sorry that I hurt me along the way.  But when I got my shit together after Blaine, I realized that I’d been allowing myself to get hurt for a long time.  Just so others wouldn’t get hurt.  I kept quiet about things I should have shouted about, simply because it was more beneficial for them than it was for me.  I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“I wish you could have figured this out earlier.”

“I do too.”

“I mean… I wish it because I’m with someone.  I’m dating someone.”

Kurt swallowed down the taste of regret, “I sort of assumed you would be.  You deserve the best.  I didn’t want you to be alone.”

And the pang of that would just have to be something Kurt lived with.  It’s not as if he expected Adam to wait for him.  It wouldn’t have been fair to Adam at all. 

But whoever Adam was with, he was lucky. 

“Kurt,” Adam said softly, like he could read Kurt’s mind.

“Is he good to you?  Better than I was?” Kurt asked.

“Kurt,” Adam’s eyes filled with tears.  “Don’t ask me that.  You weren’t bad for me.  You just weren’t ready for me, right?”

Kurt nodded in agreement, ‘’But is he?” 

He should probably give up on this, but he needed to know.  For some reason, he needed to know even if it was none of his business and completely unfair of him to ask.

“Yes.  He doesn’t sing like you.  But he’s a good man.”

“Okay,” Kurt heard the break in his own voice as he nodded.  “That’s good then.’’

‘’I need to go.  I’m meeting him for lunch.  Will you keep in touch with me now?”

“Is that okay?  Will your boyfriend be okay with that?”

“Of course.  Everyone is allowed to have friends, Kurt.  Even friends they might have an attraction towards.  That’s just life.  He’s not like that,” Adam frowned. 

And well, wasn’t that an interesting concept to consider?

“Thank you for meeting with me,” Kurt smiled at him.  ‘’Am I allowed to say I’ve missed you?”

Adam’s head tilted back as he groaned, ‘’No.  But I’ll let you get away with that because it’s so good to see you’re smiling face.”

Adam held a hand up to cup Kurt’s cheek and then just smiled at him, “I need to go.  Please be good to yourself.  You deserve that so much.”

Kurt grinned at him and placed a hand over Adam’s, “I’m working on that.” 

And then Kurt watched as Adam backed away, squeezing his hand and look at him with regret and hesitation. 

But then Adam turned and walked off. 

 

Kurt made it back to the Elliott’s apartment before breaking down completely.

Elliott saw him as he crossed the threshold, muttered, “Fuck,” and pulled him into a hug. 

“I knew this shit was going to happen.  I knew it.”

Kurt laughed a little at Elliott’s vitriol, “It’s okay.  I’m okay.”

Elliott gestured to his current mental state, ‘’This… is not okay.”

“Okay maybe I’m not okay.  But I will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> The ending is ambiguous because Adam forced it that way. I don't know how else to describe it. The ending is probably sad. IS sad. I can fix that. Maybe. It depends on how cooperative Adam is planning to be later.


End file.
